Facing life without my son brings my daughter into a new dimension. Now, I must learn to see and deal with my possibly distorting love of Jordan. No longer able to directly live out my love of Daniel I now see a mounting struggle with his sister.
Shaping how I show Jordan my love to appease my thirst to love her brother would outrightly give her reason to wonder whether it’s her I’m loving. In years past, Dan labored through learning that I strove to love the two of them differently.
Repeatedly confronting me with what he’d not seen, I clumsily worked at showing him how he’d not seen everything. Over time he caught sight of what I did for Jordan as not right for him. In time, Dan began realizing his not wanting me to treat him as I did her.
Wading through his tears and cussing me out over feeling that Jordan meant more to me was about all that I needed to do. Relieving himself of those thoughts without me defending myself or Jordan cleared his way. Choosing this path opened the way up to heard, “Dad you really do love me.” My staying right there was what he needed. Simply not pulling way or defending myself helped him begin seeing his fear of losing me as his problem.
My hope with those words is that I will accomplish the same with Jordan now. I am certain that she knows the issue from another direction and intensity with me. My goal, then, is to stumble through learning to live out my love of my daughter in the wake of losing Daniel.
Keeping from distorting this love through the lens of loss is critical. Just as I repeatedly needed to show my son how my love of him took different shapes I must carefully accept my love of Jordan transforming. Never before have I been caught up in ferreting out such love in the aftermath of loss. It’s changes must gain a deeper and truer tone to my daughter.